So I finally broke down and ordered Medifast.  I did NOT get on the "automatic shipping" plan.  I'm telling myself (and I told my husband) I'm going to do it for one month and see how it goes.  Maybe it'll be a good jump start if nothing else.  And, of course, if it really does work and I can live with it, perhaps I'll be willing to pay for another month.  We'll just do it a month at a time.

I need to get over the feeling that it's punishment.  That I'm being punished for allowing myself to get so fat.  I worry that looking at the Medifast as some sort of penance is only setting myself up to fail, but I can't help it. 

I'm struggling with the starting date.  When I start it, I want to start it, and not have anything getting in my way.  Right now I'm planning to start it on May 4 (why do diets always start on Mondays?) since that will get my birthday out of the way and I won't have that interfering with it.  But damn... May is a bad month for me to start a diet.  I have my oldest daughter's birthday May 9, then Mother's Day, then my 3rd daughter's birthday May 17.  O_o  That's lots of family gatherings, lots of food, and lots of cake.  It's not that my family won't support me in my weight loss, because they would, but OHGOD, who wants to bring Medifast to a birthday or Mother's Day gathering?  

I'd just rather not do anything for those days.  Seriously.  I just want to be alone with my damn pretend food and not have to explain it to anyone and especially not have to be eating it while everyone else chows down on barbecue and cake.  "Enjoying the company" be damned.  But I can't do that because the kids are counting on me.  So I guess I'll just have to suck it up and deal.

I think about my brother, who is having gastric bypass this summer.  How is he going to feel at all of these family type things?  Well, I suppose that's one reason they make GBS patients have so many psychological sessions before they go through with the surgery.  But surely if my brother can handle it, I can too.  

Why do weight loss plans COST so much? 

I really need a strict-guidelines diet plan.  One that actually makes the food for me would be best, because that way I wouldn't have to cook twice.  (It is SO HARD sticking to a diet while cooking for six children!) 

eDiets is $600 a month.  SIX HUNDRED FREAKING DOLLARS A MONTH. 

Medifast is $300 a month.  For DRINKS, omfg.  And you still have to cook some on that one.

I mean, okay... if I only had to do it for one or two months, I probably would be more willing to pay that.  But I know this is going to take me at least 10 months to a year.  That would add up to a LOT of money.   

Sigh.

I'm thinking about just buying a couple of week's worth (at a time) of frozen prepared meals (like Smart Ones and Lean Cuisine) for b-fast, lunch, dinner, and dessert/snack... and then making up some salads and fresh veggies in Gladware containers stacked up in the fridge to go along with them.  Surely that wouldn't be much different than buying ready-made meals from eDiets, would it?   

And I know, I know... I could just have a small portion of what I make for the kids and/or I should be cooking healthy for the kids anyway.  Yes, I know... I've been telling myself that for the last year and a half or so.  IT HASN'T WORKED.  I NEED MORE DISCIPLINE.

This morning I thought I had really bad gas, until it dawned on me that I did a workout CD yesterday and my abs were sore. 

I had totally forgotten what sore abs feel like.

Hee.

I lost 3 pounds last week!  *does happy dance*

Today I have a horrible headache though... and I've been munching.  Why is it that stuff like that gives me the munchies?  Too tired?  Munch.  Headache?  Munch.  Got a cold?  Munch.  Feeling queasy?  Munch. 

I wish I could be one of those people that doesn't want to eat when they have something wrong with them or when they are stressed.  Me? I eat for EVERYTHING.  Ugh.

But yay three pounds! 

Yesterday was really good.  I stayed within Points, drank my water, and peed a lot.

I also have been really good about taking all of my herbals.  I've told myself I'm going to take them for at least two weeks to give them a chance.  I'm really bad about buying things like that, taking them for two or three days, and then forgetting and/or thinking they're not doing anything for me and yet another bottle ends up in the back of the cabinet.

Now if I could only get in the same kind of habit when it comes to exercise!  But one thing at a time... one thing at a time.

I hate it how being hungry makes me so testy and grouchy.   :(   

I seriously feel as though I'm going to bite someone's head off if they don't LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE AND LET ME EAT GODDAMNIT!!! 

Honestly... is that too much to ask?  Five minutes, people.  FIVE MINUTES.  Let me eat this and then I will do whatever the heck you want.  Just please... let me eat this crappy little thing I've planned on and saved all my Points for.  And don't bug me.  And don't ask me for a bite.  You'll get your dinner soon enough.  You'll also get your drink, your crayon, your puzzle, your WHATEVER. 

Just five minutes.  That's all I ask!

The burrito did not defeat me!  It is still there where it was last night!  Yay!! 

And on another happy note... I just realized that my feet don't hurt any more.   Last year I had plantar fasciitis so bad that walking was torture.   

It dawned on me when I had to get up in the middle of the night last night to tend to my son that it's gone.   :)   Whee!  

So far I haven't given in to the other half of the Chipotle. 

I put one whole one in the freezer.  I should have cut it in half first, but it's too late now.  The other half of the one I had is in the fridge, in the bag, behind the ketchup and jelly.  Way in the back.

It's calling to me, but I'm not listening.

SHUT UP BURRITO!  YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME.

My husband is back with the Chipotle.

He bought TWO OF THEM because he had a coupon.

HE IS EVIL.

My husband just went to Newark to have a stirrup repaired on the horse's saddle.

He said, "So if I stop at Chipotle and get you something, what do you want?  The usual?"

I LOVE CHIPOTLE YOU GUYS.  D:  AND I HAVEN'T HAD IT FOR OVER A YEAR AND A HALF.

So of course I said, "Sure!  That sounds great!"

D:

( Points value of my 'usual' )
But you know... those things are HUGE.  I can arrange it so I can have half of it today and then I'll have another half for another day. 

The key is not going back to get that 2nd half, because I am very bad about that.  It's like the leftovers call to me and demand I eat them! 

I took some herbal supplements this morning: 

Cinnamon
Acai Berry
Cayenne Pepper
Bitter Orange

I have to say the cayenne pepper burned all the way down and it's still burning.  O_o

I thought of another goal.  Well, more of a reward than a goal, actually... because the goal was already set. 

When I hit 190, I'll be able to ride our horse. 

He's not a very big horse, and 200 pounds is all I'd want to put on him.  He could probably carry 250, but why do that to the poor thing? 

Anyway, he carries my husband easily, and my husband is 185-190 pounds, so that means when (YES WHEN) I get to that weight I'll be able to ride him too.  :)

So I ended up going over Points yesterday.  :-|   It was a 9:00pm bowl of Grape Nuts that did me in.   I know, I know... Grape Nuts = healthy and yes I know I could have made much worse choices, but WHY DO I DO THAT AT ALL?   I need to teach my sorry ass that it's okay if it gets hungry every now and then, you know?  Sheesh.

I truly believe it all started with pregnancies.  When I was first pregnant, if I got hungry (as I was wont to do, since I didn't eat all the damn time back then) I felt sick.  My "morning sickness" consisted of the feeling you get after you've had a stomach virus and you're better but not quite... and you're hungry, and the hunger pain/stomach growling itself brings on more nausea because you're not quite over that virus.  Know the feeling I'm talking about?  Well... that's what allowing my stomach to get empty did to me when I was early pregnant.

I gained 40 pounds THE FIRST TRIMESTER of my first pregnancy.  I kid you not.  ALL I DID WAS EAT AND I'M NOT JOKING. 

So up and down my weight would go as I had the babies... but the constant, gnawing, sick-hungry feeling wouldn't ever go away.  It would get more tolerable, but never go away entirely. 

I really feel as though it might have changed something in me... if only in my head.  I can't tolerate feeling hungry any more.  I don't know if it reminds me of those sicky days or if I've just forgotten that it's OKAY to be a little hungry sometimes or WHAT it is... but at any rate, it's my demon.

I need to save the bulk of my Points to be consumed later in the day.  The "hungries," as I call them, always sneak up on me then. 

Dottie's Weight Loss Zone.  This is a wonderful site for Weight Watchers information.  

Direct link to the Restaurant section of Dottie's Weight Loss Zone.  Points values from just about all the foods from all the major restaurant chains you can think of.  You need to scroll down quite a ways past all the advertisements to get to the lists of restaurants.

Canadian Restaurants at Dottie's

Smart Ones official site.  Sometimes they have coupons! 

Still doing okay!  I have 7 Weight Watcher's Points left and it's 6:00pm.  That's a good sign.  :) 

Doing pretty good so far today.  Staying on plan and within Points... and I love my new teapot!    I've been drinking Yogi Tea's Fasting tea and it's tasty.

Goals and Rewards:

222 -- new clothes
190 -- set up plastic surgery and get that going.
175 -- healthy BMI, re-evaluate ultimate goal
150 -- ultimate goal

I thought of another goal.  When I hit 222, I'm ordering some new clothes.  Not a lot; just a few tops and maybe some jeans.

I should also add that my highest weight was 282, back in December 2008.

I should probably post my stats.  I'm in my mid-30's, and I'm 5'10" tall and weigh 255 pounds.  D:  That's just awful and there's no excuse.  None at all.

My lowest weight was at age 19.  I weighed 126 pounds. 

I've had several children, and I *am* older, so I don't expect to ever see that weight again, but my ultimate goal is a nice even 150. 

My first goal is 190.  When I reach that weight, I'm going to have a consultation for a tummy tuck/liposuction and panniculectomy.  I'm not sure if they will agree to do the surgery then or want to wait until I lose more weight after that, but that at least is the weight where I will get that ball rolling.

My next goal after that would be 175.  I honestly won't be too upset if I stay at that weight for a while.  At least it's a healthy BMI.

But like I said, ultimate goal is 150.  That's over 100 pounds you guys.  O_o   

I really need some support in this.

So I got a new teapot.  It's glass, and sits on the stovetop, and whistles and everything.

I'll be able to brew my herbal teas much more easily now.  I'm hoping sipping herbal tea will help stave off hunger/cravings.

I can't wait to try it out.